Copyright 1999, 2000 by Michael Z. Williamson.
Permission is granted to copy in part or in total
for non-profit purposes, provided due credit is
That the more helpless you are, the safer
you are from criminals.
That you should give a mugger your wallet,
because he doesn't really want to shoot you and
he'll let you go, but that you should give him
your wallet, because he'll shoot you if you don't.
That Washington DC's low murder rate of
69 per 100,000 is due to gun control, and Indianapolis'
high murder rate of 9 per 100,000 is attributable
to the lack of gun control.
That "NYPD Blue" and "Miami
Vice" are documentaries.
That an intruder will be incapacitated
by tear gas or oven spray, but if shot with a
.44 Magnum will get angry and kill you.
That firearms in the hands of private citizens
are the gravest threat to world peace, and China,
Pakistan and Korea can be trusted with nuclear
That Charlton Heston as president of the
NRA is a shill who should be ignored, but Michael
Douglas as a representative of Handgun Control,
Inc. is an ambassador for peace who is entitled
to an audience at the UN arms control summit.
That ordinary people, in the presence of
guns, turn into slaughtering butchers, and revert
to normal when the weapon is removed.
That the New England Journal of Medicine
is filled with expert advice about guns, just
like Guns and Ammo has some excellent treatises
on heart surgery.
That one should consult an automotive engineer
for safer seat belts, a civil engineer for a better
bridge, a surgeon for spinal paralysis, a computer
programmer for Y2K problems, and Sarah Brady for
That the "right of the people peaceably
to assemble," the "right of the people
to be secure in their homes," "enumerations
herein of certain rights shall not be construed
to disparage others retained by the people,"
"The powers not delegated herein are reserved
to the states respectively, and to the people,"
refer to individuals, but "the right of the
people to keep and bear arms" refers to the
That the 2nd Amendment, ratified in 1787,
allows the states to have a National Guard, created
by act of Congress in 1917.
That the National Guard, paid by the federal
government, occupying property leased to the federal
government, using weapons owned by the federal
government, punishing trespassers under federal
law, is a state agency.
That private citizens can't have handguns,
because they serve no militia purpose, even though
the military has hundreds of thousands of them,
and private citizens can't have assault rifles,
because they are military weapons.
That it is reasonable for California to
have a minimum 2 year sentence for possessing
but not using an assault rifle, and reasonable
for California to have a 6 month minimum sentence
for raping a female police officer.
That it is reasonable to jail people for
carrying but not using guns, but outrageous to
jail people for possessing marijuana.
That minimum sentences violate civil rights,
unless it's for possessing a gun.
That door-to-door searches for drugs are
a gross violation of civil rights and a sign of
fascism, but door-to-door searches for guns are
a reasonable solution to the "gun problem."
That the first amendment absolutely allows
child pornography and threats to kill cops, but
doesn't apply to manuals on gun repair.
That a woman in a microskirt, perfume,
and a Wonderbra, without underwear, is a helpless
victim, but someone getting paid $6 an hour to
deliver the cash from a fast food place to the
bank at the same time every night is, "asking
for it." And you won't allow either of them
to carry a gun.
That Illinois' law that allows any government
official from Governor to dogcatcher to carry
a gun is reasonable, and the law that prohibits
any private citizen, even one with 50 death threats
on file and a million dollar jewelry business,
is reasonable. And it isn't a sign of police statism.
That free speech entitles one to own newspapers,
transmitters, computers, and typewriters, but
self defense only justifies bare hands.
That with the above, a 90 lb woman attacked
by a 300 lb rapist and his 300 lb buddy, has the
"right" to kill them in self defense,
provided she uses her bare hands.
That gun safety courses in school only
encourage kids to commit violence, but sex education
in school doesn't encourage kids to have sex.
That the ready availability of guns today,
with only a few government forms, waiting periods,
checks, infringements, ID, and fingerprinting,
is responsible for all the school shootings, compared
to the lack of school shootings in the 1950's
and 1960's, which was caused by the awkward availability
of guns at any hardware store, gas station, and
by mail order.
That we must get rid of guns because a
deranged lunatic may go on a shooting spree at
any time, and anyone who owns a gun out of fear
of such a lunatic is paranoid.
That there is too much explicit violence
featuring guns on TV, and that cities can sue
gun manufacturers because people aren't aware
of the dangers involved with guns.
That the gun lobby's attempt to run a "don't
touch" campaign about kids handling guns
is propaganda, and the anti-gun lobby's attempt
to run a "don't touch" campaign is responsible
That the crime rate in America is decreasing
because of gun control, and the increase in crime
requires more gun control.
That 100 years after its founding, the
NRA got into the politics of guns from purely
selfish motives, and 100 years after the Emancipation
Proclamation, the black civil rights movement
was founded from purely noble motives.
That statistics showing high murder rates
justify gun control, and statistics that show
increasing murder rates after gun control are
That we don't need guns against an oppressive
government, because the Constitution has internal
safeguards, and we should ban and seize all guns,
therefore violating the 2nd, 4th, and 5th Amendments
of that Constitution, thereby becoming an oppressive
That guns are an ineffective means of
self defense for rational adults, but in the hands
of an ignorant criminal become a threat to the
fabric of society.
That guns are so complex to use that special
training is necessary to use them properly, and
so simple to use that they make murder easy.
That guns cause crime, which is why there
are so many mass slayings at gun shows.
That guns aren't necessary to national
defense, which is why the army only has 3 million
That banning guns works, which is why
New York, DC, and Chicago cops need guns.
That the Constitution protects us, so
we don't need guns, and can confiscate them, thereby
violating the 5th amendment of that constitution.
That women are just as intelligent and
capable as men, yet a woman with a gun is "an
accident waiting to happen."
That women are just as intelligent and
capable as men, and gunmakers' advertisements
aimed at women are "preying on their fears."
That a handgun, with up to 4 controls,
is far too complex for the typical adult to learn
to use, as opposed to an automobile that only
That a majority of the population supports
gun control, just like a majority of the population
used to support owning slaves.
That one should ignore as idiots politicians
who confuse Wicca with Satanism and exaggerate
the gay community as a threat to society, but
listen sagely to politicians who can refer to
a self-loading small arm as a "weapon of
mass destruction" and an "assault weapon."
That Massachusetts is safer with bans on
guns, which is why Teddy Kennedy has machinegun
That most people can't be trusted, so
we should have laws against guns, which most people
will abide by, because they can be trusted.
That a woman raped and strangled with her
panties is morally superior to a woman with a
smoking gun and a dead rapist at her feet.
That guns should be banned because of
the danger involved, and live reporting from the
battlefield, which can keep the enemy informed
of troop deployments, getting thousands of troops
killed and perhaps losing a war, is a protected
act that CANNOT be compromised on.
That the right of online child pornographers
to exist cannot be questioned because it is a
constitutionally protected extension of the Bill
of Rights, and the claim that handguns are for
self defense is merely an excuse, and not really
protected by the Bill of Rights.
That the ACLU is good because it uncompromisingly
defends certain parts of the Constitution, and
the NRA is bad, because it defends other parts
of the Constitution.
That a house with a gun is three times
as likely to have a murder, just like a house
with insulin is three times as likely to have
That police operate in groups with backup,
which is why they need larger capacity magazines
than civilians, who must face criminals alone,
and therefore need less ammunition.
That we should ban "Saturday Night
Specials" and other inexpensive guns because
it's not fair that poor people have access to
That guns have no legitimate use, but alcohol
does, which is why we issue cops beer instead
That police and soldiers are the dregs
of society who were unfit to get any real job,
which perfectly qualifies them with the high moral
standards and keen intellects to handle these
complicated tools and be our guardians.